You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
