Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
