my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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