If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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