finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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