So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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