what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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