Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
