dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
