she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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