Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
