Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
