I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
