It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
