He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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