Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
