You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
