You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
