Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
