watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
