"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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