Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
zippers are such a cool invention
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
