Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
