No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Randomize
