I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
