hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
her vagine was all disorganized.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Randomize
