So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
