Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize