Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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