Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
