does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
