Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
