Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
