no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
