All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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