I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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