Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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