I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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