Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
