I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
