I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
