time to smoke my breakfast
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
