boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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