sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
