dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We're too hungover to prance.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
