all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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