he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
