hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
