I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
