I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
