just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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