I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
