i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize