Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All the doctor said was why
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
